Wednesday, July 10, 2013


My memories make me nervous and upset. Rather the idea of losing these memories or the ability to create new ones. 

This is not an uncommon fear. We fear for our own abilities as well as aging friends and family members. Who are we without our memories? 

I suppose by the time most of us are aged enough for Alzheimer's to onset one might be able to take comfort in the idea that our children will hold on to our memories. At least the ones they know of. 
My child(ren) won't hold the memories of how it felt to have her(them) fall asleep in my arms, completely trusting, completely comforted. My joys and anxieties can not be shared memories. 

It makes it difficult to fully enjoy every moment. 

The answer is simple in nature and difficult to implement. Don't live for the future, be in the moment and  whatever will be will be. John keeps telling me to put the camera down and just enjoy it. I try and often I fail. Is this why first children have their picture taken so frequently? By the second are people just too busy to feel these anxieties? What about the third an fourth? Are those special moments similar enough between all babies that once you experience it twice you can feel comfort that they are burned into your memory?

At the end of the day and the end of our days we must relinquish these private memories to the next generations. Their experiences will be similar and familiar. Babies don't change that much in a hundred years. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Playing Adults

This concept of adulthood is an interesting one. Besides getting a credit card and paying my phone bill (which I conclude no longer counts) the idea was foreign to me.

I believe I had my first taste of it last year when we decided to buy a house, get married and have a baby. What the hell were we thinking? Between figuring out mortgage stuff, rasslin' with sticky homeowners, wedding particulars (I did a lot of shrugging) and Drs appointments. I thought I would lose it, I had to keep it all in a calendar. There was one week, more like 9 days, that I had something scheduled EVERY day on top of working full time. Just thinking back on it makes my stomach do flips.

This may seem blasé to you busy beavers or those who are well into adulting it up. It was anxiety inducing for laid back moi.

It was good practice for actually owning a home. We have personal deadlines for projects we want (or have to) keep. Here I am again, making calls, organizing appointments, handing over the monies.
It's less intense now but it still causes some mild stress (what the hell isn't though)? At least now I'm not working. It's all much easier to deal with during working hours.

Everyone goes through this stuff. We all have to wade through the paperwork, sigh at another appointment, feel dizzy as we hand over sickening amounts of money. I wouldn't have been able to cope with the stress if I didn't have John to keep me relaxed and help me de-stress (and take me delicious food every once in awhile).
Did I mention he is a super awesome Dad as well?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Youth IS Wasted On The Young

I am extremely excited to introduce this little girl to all the things I loved to do as a child. I keep a mental list and strive to be super fun awesome mom who wants to go-go-go!

Then I start to feel a little pang of jealousy that I never thought I would feel. Even into my 20's. I have memories of frustration, anger, unfairness and feeling out of control as a child. I longed for adulthood. Mama didn't raise no fool, I knew what the trade off was. Gladly would I give up my lack of responsibility for the freedoms I knew were coming. I still feel all the emotions I felt as a child but they are dulled, we deal with it. It's not a bad thing, I know my brain has evolved and we deal with our emotions more efficiently.

I still felt that way as an adult. However, when I go over that mental list for Vi and I get excited, I know I won't ever see or experience or feel the same way again.
The fear and fearless contradiction of youth is lost. Forever. I get to imagine how she is feeling when she goes on a roller coaster, sees Niagara Falls, feels powerful ocean waves, makes her first basket, rides a water slide, swings and HITS the ball, watches something scary, gets up on a horse and looks upon (then off of) a mountain for the first time.

Perhaps the reason we choose to reincarnate after we die is to one day appreciate childhood.

At least I get to go to Disney World again. Hell yeah.

Or being INSANELY surprised when you thought you had a dentist appointment but instead your Dad shows up and takes you for a super fun weekend for your 10th birthday.
That was the best.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Brains and Bodies in Love

Your body is relaxed, the day is done and you get an unintentional brush of a hand on your back as he rolls over. Your brain is ecstatic, it sends your spine into a tingle. You relax even further.

The weight and warmth of a small baby on your chest. You take a deep breath, exhale and close your eyes. You can feel your chest swelling and its overwhelming,

There is nothing like it.You're in love.